September 3, 2022
Since the decadent democracies were not taking seriously China’s claim of being a democracy, Xi Jinping decided to hold a summit meeting for heads of states of real democracies. The beautiful Island paradise of Hainan was the obvious venue for this grand gathering. The criminal-minded security agencies of the west could have sent agents to harm these upholders of democracy but the situation in Hainan ensured that the leaders would be safe. There was a Covid outbreak and the place was under Covid lockdown following the zero-Covid policy of Xi. As readers will notice, as soon as a Covid cluster is detected in a city in China, it becomes the safest place in the world. Commercial areas, factories and educational institutions are closed for weeks, residential areas are locked down, drones patrol the sky above the streets and robot dogs scour the ground reporting every hint of the presence of a living thing, with every such report creating a red security alert. The wise Xi knows that all security issues arise because of the living.
The galaxy of democratic leaders who landed at the Haikou Meilan Interrnational Airport on that breezy Sunday morning was impressive by any standards: Xi, the top defender of democracy personaly received Putin from Vibrant democracy of Russia, Kim from his Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, Erdogan’s democratic Turkey that he had recently liberated from Kemal Ataturk’s silly idea of a Muslim majority country being secular, Late Ayatollah Khomeini’s democratic Iran where pious Mullahs ensure that enemies of their democratic rule remain hung from cranes, six to each machine, as a vivid reminder to the opponents of the sacred Shia regime, a beacon to devout Shias all over the world to be ready to spill blood to save Islamist democracy. Finally, there was the Republic of Cuba represented by the great democrat Fidel Castro’s brother Raul’s successsor. Raul is not be confused with Rahul, the leading democrat from India. If you need proof, his party is going to hold elections for the post of party President, after two decades. Some are worked up that Xi did not invite Rahul to the summit, merely because Rahul is not head of state. There are always uncrowned kings and the GOP has a tradition of them. Rahul knew several years in advance about this summit and had made visits to the Chinese embassy in Delhi, had met a Chinese minister in Tibet in the shadow of the venerated Kailash and had even accepted Chinese donation for the Nehru Trust. It is reported that Rahul is consulting Raul regarding what is to be done to be invited to the next summit of democracies.
In his opening remarks, Xi said that he had published a White paper on December 4, 2021 “China: Democracy the works” to enlighten the West about the rich democracy working in India. Next day, another paper was published about dysfunctional democracy in America, “The State of Democracy in the United States”. Xi spilled the state secret that there are other parties too in China, eight of them, who never claim a share of the power pie and work as adivisors of the communist party and assist it in perpetually remaining in power. If any further proof was needed, Xi pointed to the Constitution of his country that describes the divine knigdom as “People’s Democratic Dictatorship”, a piece of wisdom that has eluded the West so far and has allowed China to reap the benefits of democracy as well as dictatorship.
After fifteen minutes of synchronised clapping and 50th bow from humility-dripping Xi, Putin took the stage. He reminded the summit that in spite of the decadent West breaking up the democratic USSR, Russia continues to be democratic and the biggest democracy in the world; just look at its size. All democracies need to defend themselves and Russia contributes its bit by selling advanced weapons to various smaller democracies like North Korea, Iran and Syria. Since declaring war against a smaller neigbour is an undemocratic act, he has passed a law under which people uttering the word “war” go to prison for 15 years. All the exchange of deadly missiles with Ukraine was only a special military operation to replace the undemocratic comedian Zelensky (How can he be a democrat? Democracy is serious business of obedience. He makes people laugh!). As a true democrat, he is concerned about people’s heath and hence he created conditions for disappearance from Russia of junk food companies like McDonalds. Since the undemocratic regimes in EU were choking their people with auto-exhaust, he has cleaned their air by refusing to give them oil and gas. He said that he has been in power only for two decades and yet, as a true democrat, he has promised to peacefully hand over power on his death.
Kim Jong Un said that he comes from a long lineage of democrats, having inherited the tradition from his grandfather, the Great Leader and his father the Dear Leader. He said he looks up to seniors like Putin for guidance and he has contributed to his people’s health by keeping air clean in his democratic kingdom, divulging the secret that his Hermit Kingdom has less than 50,000 cars. Xi made a deep bow to kim and promised to take the Chinese back to cycle days because the loans stuck in BRI may not leave enough money to import oil from Putin even at reduced rates. Kim revealed another secret that he loves dogs so much that he fed his beloved uncle to his beloved dogs. He said that the people in his Democratic Republic were so enamoured with democracy that each of them contributed one meal every day for development of new missiles that protect the Democratic Republic. This was in sharp contrast to sham democracies like America where people get paid for not being employed. He offered his citizens to all those present at the Summit and said they make good workers and make no demands and agree to have their wages sent to Pyongyang for development of missiles. Putin, who has lost a lot of soldiers in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine and is now recruiting prisoners, showed interest in recuriting Kim’s people becuase mothers of Russian martyrs were becoming too demanding.
Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei thanked Xi for bestowing on him the honour of being called leader of a democracy when the rest of the world called him names for supporting the idea of old men marrying little girls. He further thanked Xi for the conducted tour to Xinjiang where he himself saw how the trouble makers were being put on the righteous path. He said his religion respects all People of the Book and it includes all Communists because they always carried a book, whether by prophet Marx, prophet Lenin, prophet Mao or the prophet-in-the-making Xi Jinping. He had a word of praise for that other German prophet also, the author of another holy book, Mein Kampf. He said all democracies are founded on the ideas of some prophet but that Satanic America had one prophet too many and their holy book called The Declaration of Independence had to be signed by 56. No faith can survive so many prophets and that is at the root of all the disquiet in America.
Erdogan said that one of his democratic acts was to recently rename his country Republic of Turkiye to represent the will of the people. As a democrat, he respects the will of the majority and since Christians are a tiny minority in his country, he followed the democratic principle and declared the Hagia Sophia a mosque as had been done by 15th century democratic conqueror Mehmed. He lamented that because of the infidel Ataturk, the majority in Turkiye had their will suppressed for decades and were forced to live under secular rule. Never again, he declared, will the democratic majority in Turkiye suffer that ignonimity. He thanked Xi for taking good care of the Uyghurs in the re-education centres, who would have otherwise flooded his country, already flooded with refuges from Syria. Erdogan said that though, to all appearances, his country is a member of the hated NATO, in reality, Turkiye is a Trojan Horse sent there to destroy the West from within, as prophet Marx had advised. There was a big round of clapping from the communist brothers at this syncing of the Red and the Green by Erdogan.
Finally, Diaz-Canel of the Republic of Cuba rose. He said that he represents a small island nation but his country has a huge footprint on the canvas of revolution. Everybody got up, raised a fist and chanted the holy name of prophet Che Guevara three times. Diaz-Canel distributed copies of Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries in Chinese, Russian, Korean, Persian and Turkish, oops, Turkiye. He said that his country is considered poor but actually his people are very rich. Cubans have more vintage cars than the rest of the world put together and they are all in running condition. Each one of them would be worth a fortune, with the original capitalist engines now replaced with glorious Russian engines. He promised to gift one vintage car to each participant of the summit. Xi said it will make his daughter very happy as all her rich classmates at Harvard wanted was to own a vintage car once they became successful capitalists.
The Summit ended with a joint statement of condemnation of the West for raising non-existent issues like that of Tibet, Xinjiang, Chechnya, dissidents in North Korea, the arrests and sackings in Turkiye and executions in Iran and in all of these democratic countries. It was also decided that at the next Summit Saudi Arabia, Syria and Sultan of Brunei shall also be invited.